The Wraith Handbook of Jokes
by Fandomatic
Summary: These jokes literally suck! Let's not mince words, here. They're palmed off in this format because they're not good enough for regular human consumption... WARNING: may cause torturous groaning.
1. Odds & Ends

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes  
**Proverbs and Other Useless Human Truisms

by Fandomatic

•

**A Wraith Christmas Dinner:**  
Sheppard's Pie.

**Why Wraith have runners:**  
Because we frown on hand to hand combat.

**Wraith Truisms:**  
Life sucking can be cathartic.  
Wash your hand before you feed.  
You never know where that hand's been.  
Hoffans make underhanded gifts.

**Wraith Humor:**  
Don't worry. I'll hand you over.  
Let me give you a hand.

**Bulimic Wraith:**  
This is my good hand.

**Anorexic Wraith:**  
Handicapped.

**Why are Wraith skinny?**  
We never take a second helping.

•

**The Pegasus Fortune Cookies**

Congratulations! You've been awarded a sacrificial red shirt.

Hoffan Fortune: You will inherit a large sum from an unexpected source.

Genii Fortune: You were born under the sign of Cancer.

Satedan Fortune: Him with long hair must suffer pulling.

•

**Ancient Practical Joke:**  
He who leaves technology lying around deserves to trip over it.

•

**Author's Note:**_  
Help. Unhand me!_


	2. Handbook 1 of 2

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes**  
by Fandomatic

•

**What time do Wraith feed?**  
When the big hand is on one.

**What time do Wraith stop feeding?**  
At oh, ate hundred.

**Why do Wraith pick on Sheppard?**  
Because he's so handsome.

**Why do Wraith make lousy poker players?**  
Because we never get a good hand.

**What city would Wraith attack first?**  
Handover, Kansas.

**Why are Wraith such good fighters?**  
We can take you one-handed.

**What makes a convenient Wraith snack?**  
A handyman or a Slim Jim.

**How do you tell which Wraith has the answer? **  
He raises his hand.

**How to get a Wraith drunk:**  
Serve him a White Russian, followed by a Margarita and a Bloody Mary.

**Why do Wraith pursue Sheppard?**  
Because we want a Palm Pilot for Christmas.**  
**

**Todd's Atlantis Cookbook Title:**_  
Serving Life In Prison._

•

**Author's Note:**_  
_The Wraith made me post it._  
_


	3. Handbook 2 of 2

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes**  
by Fandomatic

•

**What do you call a Wraith feeding frenzy?**_  
_A palm off.

**What do you call Wraith leftovers?**_  
_Hand-me-downs.

**What does a Wraith on a deserted island eat?**_  
_Anything he can lay his hand on.

**Why don't Wraith have names?**  
Because we already have a handle.

**Why don't Wraith use credit cards?**_  
_Because we never lend a hand.

**What do you call a meal that got away?**_  
_ A situation that's out of hand.

**How can you tell a Wraith is sick?**_  
_ He threw up his hand.

**How do you know a Wraith isn't hungry?**_  
_ When he's heavy handed.

**What do the Wraith use for money?**_  
_ Hand Bills.

**What makes a Wraith sneeze?**_  
_A handful of Dr. Pepper.

•

**Author's Note**_  
Time to wash my hands of this_.


	4. Dumb Drone Edition

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes**  
by Fandomatic

•

**The Dumb Drone Edition  
**Cloned drones are extremely stupid and ugly, so we give them a hockey mask and poke fun at them. I'm told this is quite a racist activity, but the drones aren't complaining... They can't talk. And they're dumb. So sit back, slug your eggnog and enjoy a few chuckles over our cloned hands.

•

**Do the Wraith have the equivalent of a dumb blonde joke?**_  
_Yes, because there's a sucker cloned every minute.  
[Thanks Gunny!]

**How do you confuse a**** dumb ****drone?**  
You don't. They're cloned that way.

**What's black, charred, and hangs from the ceiling?**  
A well-drone electrician.

**Why is it always good to have ten ****dumb ****drones at hand?  
**Because twelve is too many and eight are too few for dinner.

**A ****dumb ****drone once shot an arrow into the air…**  
but missed!

**What do you call a ****dumb ****drone standing between two queens?**  
A mental block.

**Why is it always good to have a ****dumb ****drone on board?  
**Because you can park in the handicap zone.

**How do you tell a ****dumb ****drone from a beer?**  
One has a more bubbles in its head.

**QUEEN: **What is the capital of Wraith?  
**DUMB DRONE****:** Uh, 'W'?

**There are three types of Wraith.**  
Those who can count and those who can't.

**What do you do when a ****dumb ****drone throws a grenade at you?**  
Activate it and throw it back.

**How do you make a one-handed, ****dumb ****drone fall out of a tree?**  
Ring the dinner bell so he'll raise his hand.

**What do you call a cloned Wraith drone?**  
Pat.

•

**Christmas gift for Wraith worshipers:**  
Remember to give them a big hand.

**What's the number one Christmas gift between Wraith?**  
The Clapper™.

•

**Author's Note:  
**Grey and proud of it.


	5. Assorted Jokes

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes...**  
by Fandomatic and her equally demented sis

•

**What do you call a Wraith glutton? **  
Slap happy.

**Would the Wraith attack Arkansas? **  
No. It would give us the hick-ups.

**Would the Wraith ever have one Gus after another Gus?**  
No, because we don't like "a pair of Guses."

**What's a favorite sorority dessert? **  
Candy and Brandy.

**What do you call a pile of drone hands?**  
'Armless.

**Why didn't the Wraith answer the phone?**  
He was on the John.

**Do Wraith tell good jokes?**  
Yes. Knock. Knock. Here's the "punch" line.

**Why did the Wraith Queen refuse the two Ronalds as peace offerings?**  
Because two Rons don't make it right.

**Why don't the Wraith talk to their food?**  
We'd like to, but it gets old real fast.

**If Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were imprisoned on a Wraith hive, who would survive?**  
Well, the Wraith always leave a Mark.

•

**Author's Note:**  
Better after five coffees or three beers. (Uh, oh. Too late.)


	6. The Torture Continues

_A/N: You were warned. Proceed at your own risk._

**The Wraith Handbook of Jokes...  
The Torture Continues**  
by Fandomatic

•

**Wraith Bumper Stickers:**

Little sucker on board.

Get a life.

If you can read this, you can read my palm.

Human: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Keep your brothers close and your enemies at arm's length.

•

**How did the Wraith feel when he was run over by a truck? **  
With his hand.

**How did authorities know the "Wraith victim" faked his own death?**  
The crime scene was covered in wrinkle cream.

**Where do Wraith aim the feeding hand?  
**Dead center.

**When can a Wraith find romance?**  
Over dinner when the knight is Young.

**Why aren't there any Wraith criminals? **  
They're afraid of the long arm of the law.

**Why did the Wraith think he'd get a delicious gourmet dinner? **  
The sign said, Hostel - Meals Served.

**What did the Wraith say when he was full?**  
I couldn't eat another mortal.

**What pet was abandoned by the Wraith?**  
He left behind a little Husky.

**What job did the Wraith list on his application?  
**Palm reader.

**How did Atlantis know the Wraith alliance was doomed?**  
Because the Wraith voted for it by a show of hands.

**Why is it harder to kill a hermit Wraith?**  
Because those Wraith are fed up with others.

**How do Wraith celebrate puberty?**  
They mark it with a stiff exam.

•


End file.
